Apathy comes knocking on the door

Well it was my mum's birthday yesterday 

I did my best antisocial stance & was in a safe space.....the space that misses her presence but still it was a good space to be in to also think about how we would celebrate her birthday 

So it's time for a reflection again but this time an emotion that I thought wasn't such a significant part of me, but it's been there for a lifetime it seems.  

However when it comes hand in hand with the grief process, then its a different journey altogether 

You get taught and experience the trajectory of grief, this is part of any doctor's journey as we also see the impact on those who lose someone acutely, unannounced and hence unprepared for the aftermath. You also see the journey of those who have been prepared but actually uncertainty reigns equally when the loss happens. 

I imagine that trajectory is personal to each individual but the strongest of all emotions has been apathy. 

Now many won't believe this but I can be a hugely apathetic individual when the moment indicates it. I recall my sister many years ago saying: 

'you switch off from people too easily' 

'you shut them off too quickly' 

Maybe I close doors for a purpose. I call it more self preservation but in my humble opinion, its a choice one makes when it's necessary for their own wellbeing. 

I made a conscious decision when my mum was unwell to tell very few people. Those who knew probably were the few who I knew I could count on for unspoken support. I wasn't looking for sympathy.... 

Apathy has come aknocking quite loudly these past 12 months. However it's apathy that comes with a sense of realisation making you understand people better from their reactions, emotions and reactiveness to grief & it comes at a time when all of these matter more than you ever anticipated.  

I'm not apathetic to the extent that I'm emotionally blunted or exhausted. I find it's a natural occurrence for anyone grieving, having had conversations with a number of colleagues or patients who are experiencing their own grief journey. That made me sigh with relief.  

It has however come at a cost. For me it's been the dissolution of particular relationships including close friendships. Not wholly because of apathy but its had its impact. 

So some gems of wisdom for those who are dealing with their grieving friend or colleague  

• If you don't know what to say when it comes to your friends who experience personal loss....say something along those lines or check in. it can be a message, it can be the odd call or it can be a gesture that you feel your friend may recognise. They may not acknowledge it immediately but they will appreciate it 

• The question 'are you ok' is not ok. Because you need to be prepared to know what to say to 'I'm not ok' 

• If significant time has past and you don't know how to reach out, then you do so with caution. Your friendship has definitely changed, your connection has become disconnected but also be prepared for the fact this may not be the same ever again. 

• The grieving individual doesn't bear grudges, they bear no animosity but they won't want to reconnect again. Be accepting of that and please bear them no hatred for this. 

As quoted by a wise confidante 'live well but far away from me' 

I'm doing ok as I'm living through my journey which invariably will see some people come through it with me, but I'm very accepting of those who are now left to the side. I'm very accepting of friendships changing, this however does also mean its the end of line for some. 

I'm also very appreciative of those who offered unconditional kindness when I least expected it. I'm very grateful for those who did come along! Grief however comes to those in various formations so its always a surprise to see what comes next! 

Apathy will come knocking on the door of a number of relationships, don't let it be the reason the door of friendship closes indefinitely