To detach or not to detach- it’s still remains a conundrum

I sat with a colleague, a friend & also they are someone who has seen me through my career at the end of this week.

We don't meet often enough but I had the honour of meeting her with her loved one a week ago on call. His clinical status changed very quickly to this week with an unfortunate extreme decline to his health. He sadly died on the evening on that day, but I know in comfort and on his terms.

When I sat next to her, it took me back to early last year when I sat in a hospital with my own mum following an admission with pneumonia. My mum didn't have her diagnosis at this time.  I recall talking to my sister about the various conversations she had already had with medical professionals from the early hours she was in hospital.

My sister did ask me 'why do they keep talking about resuscitation?'. There was 4 conversations for us, twice for her and twice in my presence. 

I hadn't really thought about the impact of my conversations in my previous avatars as the medical SHO or reg on call.  We just get so attuned to having the most complex of discussions at the most emotionally charged of times.

We keep continuing to do this but do we actually process the enormity of these conversations. I declare we don't realise until you see the actual impact & when you truly see the faces change of those who hear those words. 

We forget despite knowing and repeating this narrative so often, we don't always listen

Particularly of those who actually aren't prepared & specifically those who haven't heard it before. We however misinterpret this as objection to the narrative, the objections are multilayered by shock, fear and the realisation that this could be the end of the journey of who we care about the most

We don't listen to the expressions, we don't choose to hear that impact and we also don't process that impact. We've just done our job, we've ticked that box and we move forwards to the next conversation of that night shift.

I would add we don't understand the meaning until you hear it for yourself & its for your unwell relative in that hospital bed you stand next to.

So how do we detach or actually the question is should we detach?

We detach for our protection, we detach to protect our wellbeing and we detach so we can move forwards in an emotionally draining time as we continue to do the same on the folllowing day and another shift.

I would just postulate detachment needs to not to seen as abandonment. In that moment, attachment means you given comfort at an uncertain time.

It means you can listen to the non verbal cues that are palpable and to the unsaid distress that will need an outlet for those that need it. It allows for those around the unwell patient to be able to share that distress and fear.

But it will also allow for us to not forget that there is an individual in the centre of that distress and we are duty bound to remain attached.

I choose not to detach, I saw that detachment when I was the patients daughter. I haven't forgotten those moments & those professionals. It served as my reminder to do better for others....

To my colleague, this is going to be the hardest test for her but she did her father proud

Moments do imprint, words aren't forgotten but that person's legacy remains an infinite memory.

Until next time.....

Sharing a wonderful piece of art by the very talented daughter of a friend