When grief mimics real life

So as doctors, being taught to be detached seems to be a lifelong lesson from when you enter the doors at medical school.

That lesson is learnt through the observation of teaching, those you observe through their own personal practice with patients and then you think your’e prepared

Well so you think you are…..until grief decides to knocks on your door loudly

We do well to lock up grief in various closets in our minds. Medical school did teach us a trick or two.

However who taught us to deal with our personal grief & loss? Can it really be locked away?

That lesson keeps cropping up continuously

The lessons we learn is through our exposure to our patients, be it through the extremes of their illnesses to the inevitable loss of some of them remain profoundly important.

We learn the lesson of being empathetic but that is also at times empathy without connection because we fear there will be detrimental consequences for us.

I recall a clinician quoting to me

‘If we don’t connect we can then do our job better’

However those lessons were easily absorbed because we hadn’t faced any personal loss that we see in the work place.

When that grief comes along unabashedly & with no warning, it teaches us the lessons we never wanted to learn.

The biggest lesson for me was being human first was more important before being a doctor.

The lessons on how grief does play with so many emotions that we’re still are surprised by is a rollercoaster that we can’t seem to get off by choice. Some of us choose not to get off at least but others learn to master the various twists and turns! I lay claim to be of the latter!

My lessons (or emotions) that came knocking & caught me by surprise…..

Envy, jealousy & detachment: these came about when I heard friends planning the next birthday of their parent & seeing their excitement was so palpable for them

Not so much for me.

I have managed to steer conversations away to other unrelated matters to help distract me from the almost irrational emotions mentioned above

Resentment was the biggest surprise. Especially when you’re in the midst of a challenging conversation with someone who has just lost their relative.

The words you hear ‘you don’t know how it feels’

Well we do

Whoever has lost a parent, a sibling, or a close relative in the recent past will know it more than anyone

Does it make you a bad doctor to feel the emotions we feel?

I say no because I would ask why would having emotions desensitise you

It bears a reminder of your loss.

It bears a burden but also a shared sense of belonging when you do stand in the middle of a consultation consoling that distressed relative

It does offers consolation you’re not emotionally immune from loss

Or it will eventually does, I got better with this over the past 14 months.

I reassured a doctor today of this, their personal loss remains more acute than they anticipated.

There is still strength and a sense of connection to be gained through loss.

We can’t always rationalise loss but we can invariably will know how it truly feels when it comes across your path personally.

Acknowledge those emotions

Acknowledge its part and parcel of your grief trajectory

Acknowledge it because it isn’t there to make you feel guilty but it’s the reminder that we will always now acknowledge how it genuinely feels for others when you’re doing the difficult conversations

Sometimes embracing some of those emotions doesn’t make us bad, it just makes it a bit easier for the next time they come a knocking.